the labour

with a laboured grunt, i rolled myself over to turn away from the increasingly loud snores beside me. i lifted my head and squinted through the darkness until i landed on the orange glow of our clock - 2:24am.

ugh. it is so late. i would really love to fall asleep sometime soon. i am so eager to wake up and continue working on this new self-guided offering. i can’t believe how much progress i made today. i just need until the end of the week and i will have everything i need to…

something warm started to trickle down my leg, interrupting my thoughts.

what the - did i just pee myself? the midwife said that that can happen but i never have so…ok no, no - this is not pee. pee isn’t this viscous.

i quickly sat up and beelined for the bathroom as warm liquid gushed onto the ground, leaving a slippery trail behind me as i raced into the bathroom.

alex, i called out in shock. i think my water just broke.

he groggily bolted up in his sleep, taking a moment to come to his senses.

oh, really?! 

there’s liquid everywhere, oh my god - i didn’t know there could be so much. can you grab a towel and clean it up? and i guess we’ll also need to change the sheets. 

i heard the linen closet door sliding on its tracks as he replied - on it.

once i had dried off, i stepped into the doorway of the washroom - the light illuminating my silhouette as i found alex’s squinting eyes. 

do you think we should call the midwife? 

yeah, water breaking was one of the criteria that she said would warrant a call.

i fumbled over to my bedside table and dialed her pager - no response, so i left a message.

i feel disgusting. i’m going to take a shower. i put my ringer on high and will keep it by the shower door, in case she calls back.

i closed my eyes and let the warm water shower over my body as i placed a hand on my low belly.

i knew you’d come in august but this is a bit earlier than i thought. even so, i’m ready little one. we can do this, together. remember - we’re a team. i can’t wait to finally see you. 

ow. a painful sensation in my low back tore my eyes open. 

what was that? is it possible to feel pain this early?

after increasing the temperature of the water, i closed my eyes again, taking several deep breaths while focusing on the pitter patter against my skin - all in attempt to ease my anticipation of giving birth.

the muffled ring of my cell phone tore through my thoughts, prompting me to quickly open the door. i extended just my arm beyond the threshold, fumbling for the towel to dry my dripping hand so that i could answer the call. 

after a quick discussion, she advised that i get as much rest as possible, start taking pain medication, and call her when i woke up in the morning so that we could align on a plan for the day. so i hung up, finished showering and put on a clean, dry outfit to get back in bed. 

i tried to get comfortable, but could not. the mound of pillows propping me up did little to control the acid reflux burning my throat and meanwhile, the low back pain seemed to be mounting. i ignored the protest from my ego and took the dose of pain medication advised by the midwife.

alex, I’m so sorry to ask this of you but - there’s no way i can get up. can you warm the heating pad? 

as he followed through with his mission, i sat in the darkness of our room - staring at the ceiling.

i can’t believe it. i knew that she would arrive earlier than expected, and in august. this is so - 

my train of thought was interrupted, once again, by a whoosh of warm liquid that was completely out of my control.

oh no…alex, it’s happening…again! 

i jumped out of the bed and back towards the washroom, clutching the towel that i was laying on beneath me in an attempt to avoid soaking the floor, for a second time. i made it onto the cold porcelain and peered down into my underwear.

oh, there’s a faint trace of blood. alex - the midwife told us to look out for that, didn’t she? but, this seems way too soon to call her again. i guess i’ll try to hold off longer, because it’s not like there’s a lot. can your water even break twice?

i slowly got into dry clothing while alex hastily cleaned the floor and changed the sheets - for what we hoped was the last time. but to be safe, we added another towel to my side of the bed.

with labored breath, i climbed back into the pillow fort and attempted to find the least uncomfortable position so that i could somehow, “get rest” - as advised by the midwife. but after a little while, i could no longer distract myself from the pain.

alex, i can tell you right now that there is no chance that i will be getting any sleep tonight. the pain medication is doing nothing, it’s getting worse, and i can’t stop burping damn kofta from dinner despite the bottle of tums i’ve eaten.

i groped around for the forgotten heating pad, which alex had tucked under the sheets so that it could stay warm - but, had since cooled.

i’m so sorry to ask you to get up again but…

before i could finish my sentence, he took the heating pad from me and went to the kitchen. in another feeble attempt to distract myself, i grabbed my phone and got lost in the articles that appeared in response to the query: can your water break twice?

as alex stepped back into the room, i interrupted the silence with my findings. 

well, if it happens again i don’t know what i’ll do because all of my comfy clothes are in the laundry. but that would be really strange if it -

i felt the familiar gush return and leapt out of the bed before anything (other than my clothing) could get saturated, for a third time. 

the brightness of the bathroom light revealed more blood than the last time. as i informed alex, i peeled everything off of my body, dropped it into the bathroom sink with disgust and waddled into my closet - attempting to find one more set of dry clothes.

this is gross. i am so uncomfortable. nothing fits anymore. i’m not even comfortable being naked.

i crawled back into bed once more. the pain in my tailbone continued to intensify in waves - interrupting conversation and leaving me with nothing but my breath to battle the increasingly unbearable contractions.

maybe we should time the contractions? it seems like they are getting pretty close and have been very consistent…

yes, this is really weird. i know she said not to time the contractions this early but…shit it’s coming again. start now.

the tracking validated our suspicions - i was in active labour. we called the midwife and after a short exchange, she advised that we meet her at the hospital in an hour - at 6am. 

alex, i can’t believe we just packed our hospital bags before bed. what are the odds. we need to get all of the remaining shit together so that we don’t forget anything. can you please do that? i’m in so much pain right now.

as he rushed around the condo, i forced myself into various positions to do what i could to manage the pain. once we were finally ready to go, we loaded ourselves into the car and hit the road for what was thankfully, a short drive to the hospital because even the warmth of the butt warmer could not keep me still.

the arrival

we checked in with the nurse, who informed us that the midwife was on her way and not there yet. she asked us to sit in the chairs in the hallway until she arrived. 

i struggled to sit, gripping the metal armrests as hard as i could to avoid screaming. i heard the doors open and my heart skipped in anticipation as i turned my head to see who had walked in.

is that her? 

unfortunately, it was not. 

we’re here for our 6am scheduled c-section. 

a calm looking couple stood at the front desk, waiting to be directed. I did everything in my power to remain as expressionless as possible, but just as another contraction hit - the husband glanced in our direction and i quickly turned away. 

despite my attempts, i could not hide the pain etched onto my face - so i fixated on the floorboards to avoid making further eye contact.

ew. this hospital is gross. there is a thick layer of dust caked into those floorboards. 

after what felt like an eternity, the familiar voice of our midwife signaled her arrival.

hi guys! how are you doing? i’m going to quickly change. i’ll be right back so we can move out of the hallway. 

every additional minute of waiting felt excruciatingly long, and i did everything i could to prevent myself from crawling out of my skin. 

ok, i’m back! let’s get you into the room and see how your labour is progressing. i’ve already paged another midwife to support us. 

i stood up, hastily waddling behind her.

woah, you don’t have to walk that fast. take your time.

the faster i can get into a private space, the better.

our laughter was interrupted as i paused to grip the wall while a contraction threatened to buckle my knees.

woah. you got this. deep breaths. 

once it had passed, i completed the journey into the room and climbed into the hospital bed - exhaling a sigh of relief to have landed into a safe, private space. meanwhile, the midwife moved around the room with determination - preparing for what was to come.

stellz, do you want me to set up the music, diffuser and night sky projector? 

a laugh escaped me and i shook my head while another contraction came and went. 

i can’t believe we brought all of that stuff. no. that’s way too much. i can barely think right now. i just need my breath. and quiet.

i turned to the midwife.

by the way, i know i was unsure about an epidural but given the severity of the pain don’t know if I can do this without one. is it still possible to get one?

yes, for sure. are you comfortable with me checking the baby’s heartbeat and performing a cervical check to see how dilated you are? 

yeah, i’m curious too. 

i closed my eyes and tried to soften the rigidity of my jaw as the next contraction gripped my body. once it passed, she proceeded with the checks and peered over my belly with wide eyes.

stella, you are 10 centimeters. i assumed you were around 4 with how well you have been managing the pain. like, you’re basically there. i can’t believe it. and baby’s doing great with a nice, strong heartbeat. 

relief washed over me as her words validated the intense pain that i had tried to minimize all morning. 

oh my god. this entire time i have been questioning how on earth i would handle it if the pain got worse. i had no idea that this would be so comparable to what i felt during my first miscarriage. i guess i have been handling it all along. what does that mean for the epidural? 

yeah, that makes sense - remember that you went through labour then, too. as for the epidural, it’s entirely up to you. you can get it now, as long as you are able to sit still. but, you’re ready to start pushing. it’s amazing that you’ve made it this far so quickly. you’re so close.

how much more painful does it get?

honestly, you’ve gotten through the worst of it. i know you can do it. 

ok, fuck it. forget the epidural. i can do this. let’s see what happens. hopefully i don’t regret this decision.

you know, you can get up and try different positions to help with the pain while pushing. you don’t have to stay in the bed. 

honestly, i thought that i would want to move but in this moment i -

my mind went numb, silencing my words and directing me back to my breath - faintly aware of the warmth of alex’s hand on my shoulder. once it subsided, i decided that i would take her advice and change position. 

ok, i can move now. what else should i try, on the bed? 

she cued me to flip over onto hands and knees, resting my upper body against the inclined cushion of the bed. 

ok, i think this will work. alex - whenever i have a contraction, i need you to squeeze my hips or massage my low back. it’s the only thing that has helped with the pain.

shortly after, the next one tore through my tailbone and my whimper cued his hands to position.

alex - i grunted through gritted teeth.

that’s not my low back, that’s my mid back. 

his hands hastily shifted, still landing on the wrong spot. i couldn’t speak so i reached back, grabbed his wrist and slammed it into place.

THIS is my low back. 

i was met with the quiet apology in his eyes and felt the repressed chuckle of the midwife. 

so stella, whenever you are ready, you can start to push.

but, how will i know when?

you will feel it. 

and, i did. at some point, the strength of the contractions grew so powerful that they expertly commanded each push. my mind was void of thought. and i realized that the only tool i needed to ride each wave was my breath, while the firm touch of alex’s supportive hands would ground me.

i don’t know if i can do this. why did i say no to the epidural? they always say that when you have these thoughts you’re almost there but…what if i’m not? i’m pushing as hard as i can…what if that’s not enough?

nothing but a whimper escaped my throat to communicate my thoughts.

you got this, you are doing so well. one moment - i’ll be right back.

the midwife left the room, immediately causing my stomach to drop and my mind to race.

alex - i think the baby is close. where did she go? what if she doesn’t make it back on time?

do you want me to go find her? 

no - do NOT leave me. 

we worked through several more pushes together until i could no longer hold myself on all fours and surrendered to my back. moments after, the midwife returned.

are you sure you don’t want to get up and try a different position? 

absolutely not - i can’t. i know they say not to push on your back but that’s what my body wants right now. i think it’s happening.

we can work with that. alex, i need you to grab her left leg, i’ll grab the right. did you bring olive oil? 

uh oh, no. that’s the one thing we didn’t bring.

no problem, i have some. let me just call a nurse for backup because this has progressed much more quickly than expected.

with the supportive structure they formed around my low body, my mind tightly wrapped itself in my breath to propel the process. my motivation mounted, the contractions took control and a burning sensation built as the baby made its descent. all modesty left the room as i felt a combination of warmth, pressure and lubrication applied to my perineum with palpable care. 

alex, can you see that? it’s the head! stella, would you like a mirror?

no thanks - while i’m curious, i need to focus. 

you are so strong. just a few more pushes and your baby will be here. 

minutes later, relief pummeled me like a tidal wave as i felt the baby fly out of my body. the door opened and both the second midwife and nurse stepped in.

you just missed it - the baby arrived! she was born at 7:48am.

she swiftly scooped the baby up and placed her on my belly. my eyes welled with tears as i admired the full head of hair adorning the perfect human in front of me.

hello, daphne. we did it! thank you for joining us safely. we have been waiting to meet you for so long. you certainly came in with a bang.

the elation

i know you hate feeling dirty - would you like me to change the pad beneath you? 

oh gosh yes please, that would be amazing.

one of the midwives expertly cleaned the area beneath and around me as i focused on daphne, completing the process by covering us in a blanket and giving us time and space to bond. 

i can’t believe i just did that - i am so proud of myself. i can’t believe how quickly she came - i didn’t know that was possible. i can’t believe she’s here - look at how beautiful she is.

once the blood had drained from the umbilical cord, alex was invited to cut it. we cringed as the dull edge of the scissors required a few effortful snips until they finally severed it. 

the midwife immediately placed her back on me, this time - on my chest, for another long stretch. the gentle squirm of her daphne’s tiny body offered a needed distraction from the ongoing pain which i knew would lead to the afterbirth.

would it be ok with you if we take the baby to perform some checks? 

yes, of course.

my stomach filled with dread as i anticipated what would come next. one of the midwives positioned herself beneath my right leg once again and asked alex to return to the left.

ok, i will let you know when to push to - 

before she could finish her sentence a contraction forced a push that ejected the jellyfish-like placenta from my body. her laughter filled the room as i grew aware of the warm liquid pooling around my body.

welp, that’s one way to do it. don’t worry, i’ll clean everything up again. before i do, can i do a quick check to assess the extent of your tearing? 

yes, i’m curious about that too. but, can i also see the placenta before you do anything with it? 

absolutely. we’ll do that later. 

she informed me that i had a 2nd degree tear that would require stitching, and described how it happened as she cleaned the area beneath and around me, once again. as she instructed me to lift my hips and pulled the saturated pad away, blood unexpectedly spilled onto the floor - causing an eruption of laughter in the room.

well then, now that that’s situated - i don’t mean to overwhelm you but, something you and alex should consider is whether you want to go home or stay here. there’s a cut off and if you do want to go, you will have to before then. 

alex and i looked at one another in surprise.

we can go home already? 

yes, as long as you feel up for it and assuming you remain stable, pee and try to breastfeed in the next couple of hours because we will come to you in the days to follow to check-in. otherwise, you are welcome to stay and we will move you to a semi-private room where you will be transferred to the care of the nurses. 

i would love to recover in the privacy of our home, assuming i can get up. right now my lower half is frozen haha. alex, what do you think?

absolutely - if you are ok with it, i prefer that too. 

once our midwife had finished with the stitches, the other midwife brought daphne back to my chest so that we could practice breastfeeding. to our surprise, after a few tries she was able to sleepily latch. we took our time to explore the new territory and when she drifted off to sleep, the midwife showed us the placenta - leaving us in awe.

your body made that solely for the purpose of creating life. isn’t that incredible? 

it truly is.

alex rustled in his backpack and placed a small bag with gold text in front of me. 

i’m really proud of you stella. you’re so strong. here’s something for you to always remember this day. 

i teared up as i extracted a beautifully packaged ring from my favourite shop, admiring the flash of the moonstone as it sat upon my finger.

it’s beautiful. thank you so, so much. i absolutely love it. it’s such a perfect symbol to reflect my entry into motherhood and remind me of the power of intuition, which has played such an important role on this journey.

we delicately embraced one another with daphne between us, unifying the beat of our hearts. meanwhile, the midwives continued charting to document all of the critical details from our experience. 

are you ready to try going to the washroom?

sure, let’s do it.

the other midwife gently picked up daphne and passed her to alex, returning to my side so that they both could escort me to the washroom. 

woah. i can stand and walk - this is not nearly as bad as i anticipated.

well, that’s great to hear! try not to move too quickly though.

i gently lowered myself onto the toilet and took the peri bottle that she handed me, following her instructions on how to use it as she turned away. i closed my eyes, aimed and tenderly engaged my pelvic floor. 

did you manage to pee?

honestly, i have no idea if what i felt was pee or water from the peri bottle. it’s a vortex down there. 

we laughed as she helped me stand back up to return to the bed. i sat on the edge as she helped me dress myself in preparation to return home. 

so much for everything we spent so much time amassing and packing into the hospital bag. we didn’t use a single thing. i’m not even going home in my ‘cute’ postpartum outfit, nor do i care to do so. 

once again, we found ourselves laughing.

alex, now would be a good time for you to bring the bags down to the car and get the car seat. 

ok, on it. 

in the meantime, they helped me back up and tenderly got me into a wheelchair. once he returned with the car seat, they fastened daphne in and then placed her on my lap. 

ready to go home? we’ll meet you by the front doors so that stella and daphne don’t have to go far. 

before they wheeled me into the hallway, i glanced at the clock to confirm the time: 11:49am. i couldn’t believe it - we were in and out of the hospital in less than 6 hours. 

the homecoming

the elevator doors opened and we joined an elderly couple. they sheepishly glanced at the carseat, eventually realizing they were in the company of a newborn.

oh my - boy or girl? 

girl. 

beautiful.

the wife tugged her husband’s waistband to pull him back while whispering in hebrew, as if to caution him from getting too close to protect the newborn.

i spotted our car waiting just outside the revolving doors. the midwives wheeled me up to the curb and while alex gingerly picked up the car seat, they helped me get into the backseat. 

we are so happy for you both. again, you did such an amazing job. go home, get some rest and i’ll see you tomorrow.

thank you so, so much - we couldn’t have had such an incredible experience without you. 

we shut the doors and hit the road. I could not peel my eyes away from her perfect face. 

alex, we made this perfect human. she’s finally here. despite the hypnobirthing course and all of the stories we heard, i didn’t know that birth could be like that. i’m tired but, i actually feel…ok. i couldn’t be happier right now.

i know stellz, that was intense in a really beautiful way.

we quickly arrived home, unloaded our belongings and carefully made our way from the garage back into our condo, crossing the threshold with our baby for the first time. 

i carefully made my way into the bedroom and melted into the comfort of our bed. alex followed, extracting daphne from the car seat and placing her on my chest. he angled the shutters to soften the light pouring into the room.

are you hungry? 

yes but, that can wait. come join us for now.

he climbed into bed and assumed his spot beside me. 

you didn’t get to hold her much at the hospital. would you like to now? 

i lifted her off of my chest and placed her onto his, after which i rested my head against his arm. we savoured the stillness and silence in what felt like a dream during our first hours together as a family.

we love you more than you can comprehend, little girl. welcome to our home.

i glanced at the clock one last time and my lips curled into a smile - it was 1:11pm.

little one, you came to remind us the importance of prioritizing faith over fear.

 

cover image captured captured by amber ellis of creating light studio.