when i was going through my miscarriage, the single most challenging question that people would ask me was: “how can i support you?”

i had absolutely no idea how to respond to that and i was in no state to try and figure it out. being in that position felt quite difficult, because i knew that i needed the support, i just didn’t know what i needed, and i felt more overwhelmed by coming up with an answer than if the person had simply taken the initiative to offer support.

however, i also recognized that just as i didn’t know what type of support was most meaningful to me, most others didn’t know either. when it comes to navigating difficult emotions, there is often a fear around saying or doing the ‘wrong’ thing and running the risk of upsetting someone. so the question: ‘how can i support you?’ often comes from a well-intended place, where the person asking avoids assumption and ensures that they are acting in your best interest. 

comparatively, i found it really fascinating to witness how others made assumptions and simply offered varying types of support without asking, as that allowed me to realize what types of support resonated most.

as i started to compare and contrast the different types of support, i realized that they aligned with the five love languages. i have been aware of the love languages for quite some time but, prior to the aftermath of my miscarriage, i had never even considered that i could apply them outside of strengthening communication within my romantic relationship. 

the 5 love languages

what are the five love languages? they are a theory, published by marriage counselor gary chapman in his book the five love languages: the secret to love that lasts, that people receive and express love differently. and that by knowing how you and your partner receive and express love, you can strengthen your communication and therefore, your relationship. the five love languages that he describes are:

1. words of affirmation

words of affirmation are expressions of appreciation, encouragement, love and/or respect. 

for example:

• “i really appreciate it when…”

• “i am so impressed by…”

• “i love you so much.”

• “i am so inspired by…”

if you are someone who struggles with what to say during difficult times, it’s ok to admit that to the person you love and pair it with words of affirmation. that might sound like:

“i don’t know the ‘right’ words for this moment but, what i do know is that i love you, so so much.”

while it may seem vulnerable, it’s ok to admit that you don’t know what to say - more often than not, it’s better than pretending that you do know what to say. attempts at statements like, ‘i promise it will get better’ or ‘trust that everything happens for a reason’ actually did not help me, because while i understood that they were well-intended, in reality, they triggered anger and prompted an internal response of: ‘how can you make that promise, as that’s not something you can guarantee?’ or ‘of course it does but, that’s dismissive of the very real and raw emotions that i feel right now.’

expressing that you don’t know shows that you understand the gravity of the situation that your loved one is dealing with is not lost on you. we often forget the power that a simple, ‘i love you’ can have upon someone’s heart. 

2. quality time

quality time is offering your undivided attention, presence and focus. during difficult times, examples of quality time might include:

• listening via text or over the phone,

• going on a quiet walk in nature,

• enjoying a nourishing meal in one another’s company and

• getting cozy on the couch and watching lighthearted tv.

it can help to think of quality time as an opportunity to hold space for someone. 

holding space is offering judgment-free, compassionate support that allows someone to feel fully seen and heard. 

what people tend to forget about holding space is that it is about presence, not solutions. sitting with pain is a challenge because it is uncomfortable, which is often why many feel the need to take on or alleviate that pain. instead, holding space is about being present with emotions like pain - to honour and witness them and through that alone, provide an opportunity for inner peace.

3. physical touch

physical touch is expressing affection through touch or physical proximity. examples of physical touch include:

• an arm around the shoulder,

• a big bear hug, 

• a warm cuddle and

• a loving kiss. 

scientifically speaking, physical contact encourages the brain to produce serotonin - a neurotransmitter that supports happiness, optimism and satisfaction. 

and touch doesn’t necessarily need to be romantic in order for it to be appropriate. when i first saw many of my loved ones in person after the miscarriage, where words failed us, hugs did not. like the power of verbally expressing the affirming phrase ‘i love you’, the power of a warm embrace cannot be understated. 

4. acts of service

acts of service are making the effort to meaningfully help. examples of acts of service include:

• doing household chores like dishes or laundry to relieve the burden of daily responsibilities,

• cooking or ordering food to ensure that your loved one is well-nourished,

• picking up groceries to stock their fridge,  

• boiling a cup of tea or brewing a cup of coffee to offer liquid comfort and

• driving them to an appointment to reduce stress.

while some people respond to hearing how you love them, acts of service are about showing that you love them. in the days that followed my miscarriage, one of my loved ones told me to keep an eye on my phone as a surprise would arrive in the next 20 minutes. i was completely floored when i heard a knock at the door and discovered a warm, nourishing meal sitting on my doorstep - complete with sweet treats for dessert. as someone with several food intolerances, coming up with meal ideas and cooking can often be a big stressor, and this gesture was the first time anyone had done something that spoke to me on such a deep level. 

the thing about acts of service are that they don’t have to be a grand gesture to be effective; they can be as big or small as you choose to make them. what matters is understanding what you are trying to express through the gesture and the potential impact it may have.

5. receiving gifts

receiving gifts is giving a thoughtful, tangible token. examples of receiving gifts are:

• sending flowers,

• creating a care package, 

• extending a gift certificate to a favourite business,

• crafting a heartfelt gift and

• purchasing a special treat.

as soon as i was diagnosed with a missed miscarriage, within 24 hours i received a stunning bouquet of flowers from one friend, followed by a few others. as someone whose closest connections are all located in faraway places, it was very meaningful to feel the presence of each person every time i looked at the bouquets. i made a point of placing them in different rooms so that i could feel love no matter where i found myself in my space.

gift giving is not about the monetary value of the gift but rather, the sentimentality behind it; a person who chooses to give gifts does so because choosing a material item allows them to offer a tangible expression of love. it is no better or worse than the other love languages but simply, the one that might speak deeply to them.

reflection questions to apply the love languages to your difficult situation

so for those of you who like me, also struggle with formulating a response to: ‘how can i support you?’ when asked - a better question to reflect upon is: ‘which of the 5 love languages resonate most with me?’ 

once you have identified the love languages that feel most meaningful, the next question then becomes: ‘what are examples of each of those love languages that would help someone understand how to best support me during a time of need?’

and finally, let’s say that the tables are turned and you find yourself in a position where you can offer your loved one support. the next question to ask yourself is: ‘do i share the same love languages as this loved one?’ and if the answer is no, then: ‘what love languages feel most meaningful for my loved one and will help me best express my love for them?’

the intention of reflecting upon and answering these questions is so that you can more readily not just respond to but, ask for support from your loved ones when you are struggling to navigate life’s challenges and so that you can more meaningfully offer support to your loved ones who may be in need.

remember the partner

one final point to consider is this: ‘if my loved one is in a relationship with someone who i also care about, does the difficult situation affect their partner too?’ if the answer is yes, then a follow up question is: ‘have i focused all of my energy on the loved one when their partner could also use some support?’

partners often quietly operate in the shadows of support.

while the difficult circumstances that your loved one is navigating may primarily be impacting them, odds are that they are also impacting their partner in a similar but different way. remembering both individuals and recognizing that their pain is not a comparison game is an opportunity to meaningfully show up for them as both individuals and partners. 

if you are struggling with how to give or receive love during a difficult time, the love languages provide a really helpful framework to better understand your self and your loved ones and to strengthen your relationship and the dynamic of support that you provide one another.

 

cover image captured by amber ellis of creating light studio.